Valtteri Bottas says the pressure to beat Lewis Hamilton almost led him to leave Formula 1 at the end of 2018.
The Finn endured a tough second season at Mercedes, finishing 161 points behind his teammate in the championship and as the only driver at the top three teams to not win a race that year.
Bottas did come close on several occasions, notably in China, Azerbaijan and Russia, where he handed the victory to Hamilton after a team order.
And it was that moment in Sochi that triggered thoughts about leaving the sport.
“At the end of 2018, I almost stopped, it was so close,” Bottas told the Motor Sport Magazine podcast.
“Just because of the fact that I couldn’t understand and take the fact that I couldn’t beat Lewis in those two years.
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“I put so much pressure on myself. Towards the end of ’18, especially when I started to have the support role in the team, I really couldn’t take it, I really struggled. It was not fun.
“The last four or five races of ’18 were more painful because you should enjoy F1 and it is pretty cool, but it wasn’t that at all.”
In 2019, however, Bottas managed to come back refreshed and won the opening race in Australia, leading to the famous line “To whom it may concern, f*** you”.
“I had a good break between the two seasons and really had to think things through,” he continued, explaining that mental recovery.
“The human mind is strange in a way that sometimes you go into dark places. You lose the joy in things and I just completely lost the joy of F1 and racing in F1. I was almost angry at F1.
“It’s weird, but I just needed some time off, and think of the big picture and then I realised that ‘OK, it’s actually a pretty cool sport and I still have great opportunities ahead of me’. So I would be silly not to take them.
“I decided to go on a break in South America somewhere and just try not to think about F1 at all, and just try to find the will and the joy for the sport and the motivation.
“I found it, it was like a click. Probably [in] mid-January, I decided ‘OK, let’s do this. I can still do it’. So I managed to get myself together and I found the joy of driving again.
“Immediately, the results were much better than in ’18. 2019 was probably my best season so far, especially against Lewis.
“I won quite a few races, and especially until halfway through the season, I was sometimes even leading the championship, so it was a pretty, pretty strong year.
“But then just Lewis’ consistency and performances overall, for the whole season, I couldn’t match.”
Indeed, during his five years at Mercedes, Bottas became more known as Hamilton’s ‘wingman’, a phrase first used to describe him by team boss Toto Wolff at the 2018 Hungarian GP.
And he put that down to the seven-time world champion’s long association with the brand.
“Lewis had been part of [Mercedes] for a long time,” Bottas mused.
“As a driver and, as a person in the team, he’s the dominant person. So it’s quite difficult to step up, and I never could really step up in a way that I wanted alongside Lewis because the team was so welded in, and… he’s Lewis.
“So it’s like, everyone looks up to him almost. So that’s how it goes.”
Mercedes parted ways with Valtteri at the end of last year to make room for George Russell in 2022.
But the 10-time Grand Prix winner has since been rejuvenated by a move to Alfa Romeo and has even found himself battling his former team on several occasions.
Looking back on his time at the team though, the 32-year-old only sees plenty of positives.
“It was a challenge, but I was definitely ready for it,” he said.
“The only thing I was thinking when I joined the team was that ‘now, this year, I want to win the championship’ like that was my attitude.
“I think I was quite hard on myself because it didn’t happen. I was like ‘oh, OK, I’ll try next year, even harder’ but it didn’t happen.
“So it was really not easy to accept the situation that it’s not that easy to beat Lewis when he’s at his peak performance.
“Now, when I look back at it, [it was a] great school for me, I learned a lot about myself sometimes to give me a bit more leash and, in a way, not to be too hard on myself on some things. I’m really, really glad it happened.”
